4 Part Apology

When an apology is necessary, the 4 Part Apology is a great way to help a person look beyond the actual incident to the consequences of behavior.

By defining those consequences and choosing a different behavior, both individuals remain thoughtful and supportive rather than angry and resentful.

Ask your kid to practice this tool with you!

Acknowledge
Take responsibility for your actions and behaviors. Use "I" statements.

Examples: "I acknowledge that I hurt your feelings when I said those things about you." ... or ... "I acknowledge that I borrowed your MP3 player without asking you."

Apologize
Acknowledge the "cost" to others. If unaware of "cost" then ask.

Examples: "I apologize for hurting you and I realize that I may have ruined our relationship." ... or ... "I know that I must have caused some damage, can you help me understand what that damage was? .... I apologize for ________ because it hurt you."

Make it Right
Deal with the consequences of behavior. Ask the person, "Is there anything I can do to make it right?"

Examples: "What can I do to make it right?" ... or ... "I want to do something to help maintain our friendship. I would like to spend more time with you."

Recommit
Make a commitment to appropriate behavior. Commit to not having the same behavior again.

Examples: "I agree to speak with good purpose." ... or ... "I agree to ask before I borrow anything from you."